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Abusive relationships develop over time. The reasons behind it may pivot on things such as financial stress, friction as a partnership fails, psychological injury such as Post Traumatic Stress or physical injuries or incapacity. Some may have learnt behaviour from their earlier life, observations of abuse within their family or have been the victim of abuse themselves.

Abuse should not be tolerated. However, the level of abuse within a marriage that is accepted (such as abusive language by drunk partners, controlling personality types etc) varies between people. As we are not all the same there is a line which, when crossed goes from bad behaviour to abuse. Where this line is is for each to decide.

I have observed what I would consider abuse, and have acted on, has resulted in both parties turning on me. I have seen where a person charged with domestic violence has had their partner as a witness for them, not the police. We are individuals. We cannot save people from themselves. It is their decision.

Despite what 'experts' say abusive relationships are not always black and white, they may be shades of grey.

HOWEVER, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN INTERVENTION IS REQUIRED. Where are a person is that brow beaten that they accept abuse as their lot, someone must intercede on their behalf. This is recognised by the courts and legislation, who have granted powers to law enforcement to intercede. This brings with it dangers, where one party can use legislation against the other. It also applies societies 'norms' to an individual, seen from the outside as the victim, who does not necessarily accept them.

Signs of ABUSE

Jelousy, possessiveness and accusations

A partner who flies into fits of jealous rage, who is jealous of your co-workers, friends and family. Who accuses you of cheating, flirting, affairs without cause. Tries to keep you isolated. Treats you and any children as chattels. Demands to know where you've been and with whom.

This must be viewed in the context of history of the relationship, when it refers to 'without cause'. It may also relate to that persons previous relationships and any occurences in them.

Overly demanding of your time, must be your centre of attention

Must control you, be the centre of your world, will not tolerate any competition. Controls the car, finances, activities. Doesn't tolerate signs of independance.

Of course, being the centre of your world also describes 'young love'. The key is the control factor.

This may also involve 'payback' where one party hides things from the other, such as credit cards or membership of clubs, gyms social clubs. They may choose to not reveal part of their lives to their partner as a 'reserve' over which the partner has not control. Where there is verbal abuse they may also see this as a way of avoiding conflict. Relationships are complex.

Superiority Factor

They are always right, have to win the arguement, shift blame to you. Justifies their actions as 'right' by blaming others. Verbally abusive and dress you down to show their power. The goal of the verbally abusive is to push you down so they can feel on top, the one with the power. This type of abuse may indicate hidden fears and insecurities. They find abusing you makes them feel better about themselves, and shift blame to another.

This can be confused with an arrogant personality. It may be that the person displays this arrogance or superiority from the start, but that you perceive it as confidence.

Manipulative

Tells you you're crazy when you challenge them. Creates doubt in your mind, even when you were certain you were right. Tries to blame you for their abuse. That you know how to push the right buttons. May play you with apologies, tell you they need help, get you to promise to help, say they won't do it again (till next time).

On the subject of 'pushing buttons' I have observed a number of women who COULD push their partners buttons.

One was manipulative, and when she took hundreds of thousands of their money and secretted it away, and bought assetts without his knowledge, or approval, in her and her childrens names. He admitted striking her, once, when he found out about the skimming. She complained and got the DV order against him because he admitted striking her. I also saw evidence of her affair, that she denied, and he insisted she was having (Of course, none of that mattered in court, in this particular case).

Another played such games with the children, it was sickening to watch. She displayed very little compassion for their children who wanted to see the father, nor the father for the children. She insisted her palm be crossed with silver before he could have a visit. She had her large bills she wanted payed. She claimed to be the victim of physical abuse, there were indications this was contrived. We were in a position to observe this action.

I have seen this many times, but never so blatantly as in these cases. It becomes hard to pick the rights and wrongs, sometimes, because neither side is pure as the driven snow. Family Law is one of the few area's where I really pity the lawyers. Each side is entitled to legal representation.

Do not think that this behaviour is confined to woman, from observation, when it comes to power plays the balance is about even. I have seen some examples by men that would match them, one recent one comes to mind, that I cannot mention as it is ongoing.

Mood Swings

The abusers mood may be cyclic. It may go from abuse to remorse to loving and back to abuse. Domestic violence is quite often like that. It is a bit like saying that a drunk is a loverly person when they're sober. Without intervention, and a decision on their part, drunks don't stay sober, do they.

Drugs, including alcohol, can alter moods and bring abuse to the fore.

However, mood swings can be caused by many triggers, including financial pressure, jealousy and emotional problems as well as hormonal variations. There may be underlying psychological problems. Most people have mood swings, some people these mood swings may be extreme (bi-polar) and linked to other behaviours such as promiscuous behaviour outside the marriage.

If you are in this situation, and they won't accept counselling or admit the problem, I would suggest you leave.

Actions don't match words or promises.

Actions do speak louder than words. When someone promises to try harder, or stop doing an action, and it doesn't happen, you have a problem. If the person won't admit the problem to others, then it is their problem.

Well, once may be an accident, twice is a habit. If it is an action you can't accept, then you shouldn't. Consider leaving, especially when faced with physical violence. Now, never threaten to leave. This may be a threat to the control of a person who see's you as their property, and heightens the risk to you and any children. Simply plan ahead, and do it.

For some the aggression and threats will increase immediately following the seperation. If this is the case, seek the protection of any legal avenue available, suppress information about your location and deal with them only through your legal representation. Arrange any child access through a neutral third party (hand overs at police station foyers, somewhere like Relationships Australia or at the very least a public place with high flows of people such as a MacDonalds!).

Punishes you

Abuser holds you responsible for the problem. Withholds sex. Gives you the silent treatment. Stops you going out or doing something, makes you feel that guilty that you fogive them and accept that you caused it.

OK. This also happens when you argue in a normal marriage. It has to be seen in context.

Disrespects opposite sex

Shows no respect towards opposite sex, talks them down, thinks they are stupid and worthless.

Seen in both sex's. Men who think women are useless and stupid and only good for one thing. Woman who think and talk of men the same way.

History of abuse, broken marriages or was victim of abuse

History repeats itself. If a person was abusive in a previous marriage unless something has changed significantly through intervention, they will do the same again.

As with most things the past dictates the future to a large extent.

If a person tells you something of their past, or you are told by others, take it as a warning bell, check it out. Of course, be aware that people often tell stories that show them in the best light, and not everyone tells the truth. This is proven every day by our courts. If people told the truth we wouldn't need courts, most police would retire and Private Investigators would go broke.

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These are indicators. You, looking from within, must decide is this an abusive relationship. Should you be here, where should you go.

If you are going to leave, plan ahead, if possible.

If you need help with proof, call an investigator.
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This is an article by The Director. He's a retired police officer and still works as a Private Investigator. He has a slightly cynical outlook on relationships. He see's it as an area where do gooders, 'man haters' and those with an eye to the public vote have influenced the application of law. Rather than see domestic violence as just violence against women, he thinks we should focus on violence and abuse, full stop. That it is not acceptable against women or men. That the use of children as leverage is not acceptable by women, or men, full stop.

For more, go to your local police, sherriff or law enforcement agency. Here is a local link to the Queensland Police for Domestic Violence.

For information on Relationships Australia